Record.

Lately I'm feeling falling into a new depression, there is really any reason for it.

I feel like talking to my loved one, but she always seems to be busy with her life.
Not that is bad, but I feel alone.

I guess it might be the lovely feeling, but still isn't reason enough!

The worst is that I found myself stalking at her sites, she had  been online, but just didn't talk to me at all.
I might just stop caring if she talks to me anymore.

The stress of it, and the other things that bother me, gave me an horrible headache today I had to do many exercises to avoid the pain.

I know I should start focusing on my own life, but there is nothing really to focus in. I have to wait till university starts, I haven't been call back from any job I applied to. I have nothing else to do, Shamely (?) I have no friends to see, and even I had It wouldn't be a good idea, since my current mood.

I have been taking 2 hours walks around the city, mostly to avoid the subways, I keep on standing to closely to it, or  stare at the rials, I'm afraid I would jump into them, I know one day I will just do it without thinking. I have catched myself walking to the yellow zone many times.

"Is the worst way to go out and you might survive" Is the though that keeps me off the  jumping though.

I'm really sad, I want to be noticed... I'm never noticed or payed atention enough.

Now I'm crying. Such a lame broken creature.

Ignorance is a blessing, but I'm starting to get blind as the days pass.
Making myself dumbest, feeling left behind and away from everyone.
Having a hard time to remember my own life, leaving an empty feeling inside.
Reality starts to fade but I keep on forcing an smile everyday.

Nothing left than to repeat every minute to myself:
"Is for the best, tomorrow you won't remember and
everyday is gonna be a new bright day!...

A smile a day keeps your body out of the rails".

A little reminder.

I didn't wanted to start this awkward way, but since this is just an online diary  I will just skip the politite and just get into writting.
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About my fears.

When your whole life revolves around one person and suddenly that person is gone for some days, and all this magical land of posibilities appear from now where...yup that's your life and you better start enjoying it!!
Because no matter how much you love her, you just can't keep skipping your life.
In the end we both know that you are still indirectly doing all those thinks for her, to make you both get a bit closer with time.
You love teaching, working, studying, because you enjoy it and there is nothing more you could do better than that. But also because you can picture her waiting for you at home, or viceversa. maybe picking her up of work.... all those infinite posibilities of perfect escenarios rumming in your head.
But you are so afraid of it, not of failing at work or studies... but at being so busy and focused in reaching that goal that she will have too much free time that she won't love you anymore, find someone else... a MAN.
Your worst fear makes you have nigthmares every nigth, no autoestime maybe not enough of it... a part of you tell you it's possible, it might happen soon, she isn't the type of girl that end with another girl... and then you would have done everything for NOTHING.
That idea scares you more than losing your time, the fact you might lose her and that will happen one day and you can't do nothing about it.

Wake up, wasj your face and look in the mirror with an smile, always having her in your mind makes easy to lie to yourself.

"I won't give up"

You are sure about that, because even if she leaves you alone, she wouldn't be the first at that...maybe the first at broking your heart but those where the consecuencess you accepted when you started dating.
Even with a broken heart you know you can keep going with your life because you are choosing the things you love over everything.

Maybe you won't open yourself to anyone else, but you know that you will be happy in the end.

I'm a woman, a future historian , DOCTOR and teacher, planning to make many books as possible to reach the high school level and why not the rest of the non scientific population, making history for avaible to anyone, and maybe she won't be waiting for you at the end of the day, maybe it will be a ferret or no one at all.

But you will end everyday with an smile because you knew you choose the best for you.